I will share it with my friends.

Cheers

There are two paths before you and neither of them come with clarity or an abundance of joy. In fact, both of them come with a large dose of hurt, frustration and the unknown. However, EITHER path can lead to a new, fulfilling and passion-filled life! The problem is, in both cases, you are given challenges to overcome in order to get to that life.

People who divorce because of the “other person” and remarry have a 3-5X increase of a failed second marriage. This is because they believe that leaving the marriage is the solution. They believe the problem rests primarily with their spouse. They think leaving fixes the issue when the MAIN issue is still within themselves.

Stay married or divorce?…BOTH paths contain a large dose of reflection, pain and work. Either path CAN be fulfilling for you.

If there are kids involved, believe me, another year of effort, playful expectation, deep discussion and patience is well worth it (even if things don’t work out, another year of a two-parent household has real value for your family).

Your previous lifestyle of dating around was, of course, fulfilling to you. Men are hunters and your conquest of sexually and fulfilling relationships filled one of your core needs.

Long term:
When you are in your retirement years, what will you do? When a Viagra prescription gives way to Metamucil, what are you left with? Will you continue to date around? Will you be searching for a soul mate?

Be aware of your long-term outlook. If there is even a slight chance of creating permanent change in both of you, it is a chance you be thankful you took, regardless of the outcome.

But I am not yet convinced that it is in my best interest to follow your book’s advice. I imagine that it would take a least a year of effort on my part before my marriage could become fulfilling to me, and that a good outcome is far from a sure thing, mostly because I am not sure I have what it takes to keep up the extra effort for months or longer, while struggling with my own hurt and lonely feelings. But before I married, I had a number of emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationships that lasted a year or two each. Perhaps my best strategy is to divorce, then go back to my previous lifestyle.

Yup. Women can certainly be complicated. Romancing and pampering women is a FIRST step to getting what you want. Doing that as an exercise or chore instead of from the heart isn’t bad, but it can be perceived as the same manipulation as her “mercy sex.”

A boyfriend provides fantasy love and/or sex. A husband typical #1 role is security (A woman’s #1 need). Combining these two roles requires patience and creativity.

No single person can satisfy all of our needs, of course. But your understanding of those needs, and her belief that you actually care about them can melt that ice-queen.

Threatening divorce rattled her foundation of security. Now it’s time to get to know the rest of her. Being a husband AND a boyfriend is a tall order. It takes time and patience. It will require deep conversations about your mutual needs and roles. Letting her know that your lives CAN be rich in security, lust and passion will require both of you to open up and reveal your guarded thoughts.

You need to ask her to be 100% truthful of her attraction to you. It can be very painful for someone to hear “I’m not attracted to you anymore because…”. But we can’t expect someone to work on it, if we don’t bring it up.

Encourage her to talk openly to you. Once she does, you’ll feel better about doing the same. If the both of you have the patience to talk, listen and accept, you are now in the top 5-10% of all married couples that still enjoy lustful, creative, passion-filled sex.

But on the few occasions that I have been fed up enough with our nearly sexless marriage that I have rented an apartment or initiated a divorce, all of the sudden the sex became frequent and enthusiastic and apparently sincere, until a month or two after I have moved back in or dropped the divorce. Does your book suggest more romancing and pampering? Does this really work? If so, why is it that a husband has to exert 10x the effort that a boyfriend boyfriend typically exerts, for less than half of the sex? A husband who, in addition to paying his wife’s bills, brings home flowers, takes her on romantic vacations and dinners, does her laundry, does more than half the housework and child care, seems to typically get half-hearted missionary-position sex less than once a month, but his wife’s illicit boyfriend, who does absolutely nothing for her except pulling her hair while he is cumming into her ass, gets passionate blowjobs and anything else he wants several times a week?

I am not saying I have this all figured out; clearly I don’t know nearly enough, and I am willing to believe that you understand this subject way better than I do. I am just saying what I see all around me. I hope you can show me the error in my perception or my misunderstanding.