Being independent and being married are often at odds with one another. In this blog, I’d like to share with you the difference between being dependent, independent, interdependent and just plain stupid!
You are a married guy…if you are like most of us, after a few years of bliss, come kids, braces, a mortgage, responsibilities, and if you are in the “mid life” crisis time frame, you may experience a mid-life crisis! This time for men (and some women) can be a pivotal point in a man’s identity where he re-evaluates his worth. Take it from me, I’ve had several jobs, a couple of successful and unsuccessful businesses, the kids, mortgage, and a 20 year marriage. To say that I have “given up” my independence in exchange for the trappings of suburban bliss would be accurate only on the surface.
It took me a fews years of well orchestrated communication seminars, personal discovery tours (traveling to the amazon rain forest on my own) dozens of books, some therapy and the fortitude to re-invent myself to realize that men are losing their manhood and masculinity faster than the ever before. Women rule the roost, and we’ve all heard the expression, “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” What about us? Where do we fit in?
For hundred of thousands of years, (use caveman voice here) “men killed mastodon, brought back to cave, wife fed kids, wife satisfied caveman, then caveman die” (around his mid 40’s). Our DNA is literally wired to work hard, procreate, raise the kids until they are in their teens, then we die off. Only problem is, we are living longer-a lot longer!
Many men hit their physical, career, and psycholgical stride in the mid-40’s just as they are wired to do. Now, once we accomplish “everything” are we supposed to just go throughout our remaining days in bliss. I say, “NO WAY!” You may have given up your independence of being single to create the wonderful family you have. Statistics have shown that you have reduced your sexual activity (while raising kids) and your career path today isn’t what you expected when you were 25.
Take this opportunity to define independence and interdependence. Discuss OPENLY with your wife your yearnings to go out and kill another mastodon! Let her know that while you appreciate all she does to raise the kids and run the household, that you have needs that are not being met and that some of these needs she can help with (see my bookavailable online). Other needs she may not be able to help with.
If you find yourself wanting to go out and “escape from behind enemy lines,” skydive, go to the amazon rain forest, take a Indy 500 racing course, or buy a corvette, you should definitely acknowledge these desires. You better act upon them as soon as possible, too. If you don’t your frustrations may mount and you will find yourself taking it out on the ones you love. Dealing with a mid life crisis takes effort. Both parties to the marriage must understand and work with it. Here are a few pointers:
1. Ladies, If your man wants to go out and go fishing in Alaska, buy a corvette, or become a bull fighter, you better let him. If you try holding him back, he may try something really dangerous!
2. Men, don’t worry about what your wife will say about these desires or behavior. She may or may not understand them, but eventually she will come to accept them as a normal rite of passage for you. Give her some materials to read about the subject. There is an excellent article and book on my recommended list that literally saved my marriage. Check it out.
3. Distill down your needs. Do you need a new career? Or, are you simply bored and need to get a hobby? Are you passions ones that the two of you can work on together or are they things you want to do alone or with buddies? Be honest with yourself.
4. Being attracted to younger women. This is a biggie. This is only one symptom of mid life crisis and an important one. Women understand this better than the guys do. There are many needs that being with a younger woman addresses. Primarily, a man’s primordial need to procreate and reproduce is the foundation. We look at and desire fertile women-period. Secondary, having younger women attracted to US makes us feel younger. The idea of getting old is often more freightening to men than to women. Cures for this will be the topic of future blogs…stay tuned!
You can be independent by acknowleding your interdepence with your wife, your situation, your family and your yearnings to be a man. All of these factors work in concert with one another. For millions of men, they work in opposition because they don’t understand what is happening to them. Their lack of education and communication accelerates their frustrations and the spillover can turn into alchoholism, divorce, suicide or worse….being alive without really living!
For more tips, advice and to learn how to re-energize yourself as a man, make your wife hot, and live an abundant life, go to www.makeyourwifehot.com